N: I just don’t get this place.
S: What don’t you get, or should I ask.
N: It seems like everyone down here has two first names. You know like, Jim Bob, Billy Joe, Billy Bob, Mary Sue, Sally Ann, Mary Jo.
S: Well, you have two first names. Most people do. I don’t think that’s so strange.
N: Yes, I know, but my first two names don’t rhyme. All the names down here rhyme together or at least have a rhythm when they’re said. I’ll bet during English class in the high schools they are teaching students how to pick names that rhyme for their future children.
S: That’s ridicules, not everybody down here has first names that rhyme.
N: Yeah, well if they don’t, they probably had parents who flunked name rhyming in school. Even that wouldn’t be so bad, but those guys whose first names don’t rhyme go out and pick nicknames instead, like Buddy and Bubba.
S: I think you’re going overboard with this. At least the women don’t have nicknames.
N: Of course, they don’t and I’m very thankful for that. Everybody just uses Miss. When addressing them. You know, Miss. Ann, Miss. Pat. Miss. Mary. Hasn’t anybody ever heard of the word Ms.
S: Well, I think using Miss is very nice. Besides it’s a time-honored southern tradition.
N: Well, it may be a tradition, but don’t let the women from NOW get wind of it. If they do, the flag controversy will be the least of Mississippi’s problems.
S: Women are addressed by Ms. all the time down here. When I’m in court it’s always Ms.
N: I think it’s still too complicated. It’s bad enough having to remember a person’s first name when you meet them, but you have to add two first names or nicknames. I mean I’m surprised I haven’t seen a business card that reads – Billy Bob “Bubba” Jr. III.
S: You are getting carried away with all of this. Well down here there’s an easy way to solve that problem.
N: What’s that?
S: Just call all the men Sir and the women Mam. That’s what everybody does down here.
N: Yeah, that’s something else that bugs me. Everybody here is too polite. All those yes sir, yes mam. We wouldn’t put up with that in New York City.
S: Oh right! That’s why everybody calls New York the land of rude people.
N: New Yorkers aren’t rude. Just hassled all the time. There’s no time for all this politeness and all these names. We’re direct.
S: Direct in what way?
N: Well, when I was growing up in New York, if you wanted to get someone’s attention you yelled, HEY MAC! But of course, times have changed and it became HEY YOU! Of course, if you lived in Brooklyn, it was always just, YO! You see no two first names, no nicknames, no politeness, just very direst.
S: But you’re wrong about the nicknames. You’re forgetting that group of guys who lived in Brooklyn who all have nicknames.
N: Who are you talking about?
S: You know, Those Guys. “Sal the executioner”, “Louie the butcher”, you know, Those Guys.
N: Well. you’re right about that. But there’s one thing you have to remember about Those Guys.
S: What’s that?
N: Those Guys ain’t polite.
S: YO!
